By Celluloid Junkie

Hell, We Can't all be Winners Can We?
Greetings to all from your film friend, C.J. I hope everybody got tons of shit (not literally) for the holiday you chose to celebrate. Make any New Year's resolutions? Really? Good luck with that, then. Anyway. For this month's entry I've decided to share a few older reviews of films that really sucked because I haven't seen a single new film in over a month. Some of these are worth watching for the comedy level alone, but most aren't and should be avoided at all costs.

It's Pat; 1994 (Directed by Adam Bernstein, Starring Julia Sweeney)

Like the other SNL cash-grubbing films, this one attempts a feature-length story based on a five minute skit, but this one is without a doubt THE WORST. It features the adventures of everyone's favorite "person." I can't remember many movies I didn't watch all the way through (Black Mask is a recent entry) but this one got ejected from the VCR at about 45 minutes. EEEGGGGHHHH!!!!

The Mighty Peking Man; 1977 (Directed by Meng-Hwa Ho, Starring Evelyn Kraft and Danny Lee)

The one positive thing about this movie is that it should silence all the silly anthropologists and archaeologists who claim that early man was smaller in stature than modern hominids. Myself and several like-minded colleagues have always known that we are descendents of 100-foot-tall, hairy ape-like giants ... I knew it all along. This film is a horrible attempt at cashing in on the huge success of the King Kong remake (a lousy film in its own right) by rewriting the story with Sino centric roots and incorporating the famous remains into a new King Kong. The effects in the film are primitive, the plot is a near total lift of the American film's, and the acting is quite smelly. I'm not sure what it is about this film, but despite its campiness I found no pleasure in it whatsoever. I can't even include this on my "must see" bad-movie list.

Fantasy Mission Force; 1984 (Directed by Ying Ping Chu, Starring Brigitte Lin and Jackie Chan)

There is such a plethora of memorable moments in this Asian masterpiece that I can't even begin to describe adequately. The opening, non-dubbed musical number in the beer garden should be enough enticement for you to go out and find it in the $9.99 Jackie Chan double-pack video-version available at your local mart. The story concerns a special elite commando force sent to rescue Abraham Lincoln (the same one) who is somehow alive in the 1980s and is hanging out in Macao. This film has everything, including a bad Chinese ghost scene thrown in for good measure. Jackie Chan is not featured in a starring role but does add some Kung Fu fun. I can't say it enough: GET THIS MOVIE AND WATCH IT WITH YOUR FRIENDS WHILE DRINKING BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE YOU PISS IN YOUR PANTS.

End Of Days; 1999 (Directed by Peter Hyams, Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robin Tunney)

Who talked Arnie into this one? Forget about his limited acting ability, the script alone sank this one from the start. This movie is so bad it makes Raw Deal, Red Heat and Commando look good. The screenwriter managed to rip off an impressive number of past plot devices yet he still couldn't even maintain continuity within his own cannibalized story. (How come Satan's regenerative powers stop working toward the end?) This movie has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever, even the gratuitous nude scene with Robin Tunney left me irritated, because while there was no need for it whatsoever, they shot it like they didn't want it to seem exploitative. (Maybe that was the actress' idea.) Stay away from this pathetic waste of Hollywood millions.

The Whole Nine Yards; 1999 (Directed by Jonathan Lynn, Starring Matthew Perry, Bruce Willis and a topless Amanda Peet)

While I was preparing to write this review, I was stopped in my tracks by the number of positive reviews that were already written for this film. Did I miss something? Is there truly some comedic magic that I failed to recognize in this picture? To make a fair determination, let me first count the factors I'm sure I did observe and weigh these in the balance before passing final judgment. First off, I'll list the detracting qualities: Contrived slapstick (Perry's manic energy in most places just doesn't feel real); cartoonish, TV-sitcom acting job from the protagonist; the worst attempt at a foreign accent (Patricia Arquette) on screen since Robin Hood; and finally - to be kind, I'll omit several more and leave this as the final negative - the most unlikely romantic pairing (Perry and Henstridge) since Heavy. Now I'll weigh these against the positives: Um, well … I honestly can't come up with any. So the verdict is in: Quality still doesn't have one bit to do with the success of movies in the United States. What a pity.

New Rose Hotel; 1998 (Directed by Abel Ferrara, Starring Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe)

This film, based on cyberpunk God William Gibson's great story, was a complete failure. The simple fact is that Gibson's worlds are too expansive to realize on film unless a giant budget is offered. Unlike Johnny Mnemonic, which totally strayed from the original story into a morass of a shoot-em-up, Ferrara's movie is very true to the story (although the film is shot in reverse). All the performances are pathetically inept, as is the editing (the same footage is used to represent different time frames). The New World of tech and the cyberuniverse is non-existent. A scene supposedly in Marakesh is filled with actors speaking with New York accents, and the exterior airplane shots look like they were shot outside of Newark at sunrise. Asia Argento is stunning to look at but the viewer is subjected to her dreadful singing voice not once but three times (once again using the same footage). The entire effort seems like an afterthought, which Gibson never should have consented to having his name attached to

Illtown; 1996 (Directed by Nick Gomez, Starring Lili Taylor and Michael Rapaport)

After being completely blown away by Laws of Gravity and New Jersey Drive, I had great expectations for this bigger-budget, bigger-name movie. Unfortunately, this effort fails to achieve what Gomez's earlier offerings did so successfully. I think the biggest problem with the film is the pacing. All of the heroin-induced deadpan dialogue just wears the momentum out of the story. The talent here is just wasted in a cloudy, disembodied attempt at a realistic portrayal of the world of heroin in Miami. My advice? Stick with Gomez's earlier films and hope for future success from this very talented director.

I Was a Teenage Zombie; 1987 (Directed by John Elias Mikalakis, starring Michael Rubin)

I think a better title for this one could've been, I Was an Inept Student Filmmaker. This movie smells worse than a rotting corpse. The filmmaker wasn't interested in little things like continuity, synchronized dialogue or comprehensible shot angles. I'm undecided on whether to put this in the "it's so bad it's good" category because it may just be too horrible. Watch it and decide for yourselves.