Nearly 200 years ago, if you had committed a crime worthy of death, how you died depended on who you were. That was about the time a gentleman by the name of Dr. Joseph stepped into the capital punishment limelight and changed things for the better.

A great humanitarian to some, a bleeding heart to others, Dr. Joseph embarked on a personal crusade against the accepted methods of execution in the 1700s, calling them all unnecessarily cruel and torturous. The token liberal of his day, Dr. Joseph drew mostly laughs from his politically savvy peers. Until, that is, he discovered a method of execution already being practiced in Italy. An absolutely effective, positively painless way to dole out justice to the worst of criminals the mannaia.

After testing this ancient method on cadavers and analyzing the data, it was official: On April 25, 1792, it was decided that mannaia would be used as the official method of death. And when Dr. Joseph's countrymen realized the humanitarianism of this new execution method, they knew it was a step toward a more civilized age. For this, they rewarded the good doctor by naming the device after him.

But this crude instrument from an Italian archive, the method of execution that Dr. Joseph perfected to ease the suffering of his fellow man, would inspire terror forever after. Oh sure, as far as methods of death go, this one was still the most humane up to that point in time. It just didn't look like it. And so the gentle, kind-hearted doctor's children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren eventually changed their name.
To avoid being associated with the now-legendary ... Dr. Joseph Guillotin.

Interesting story, no? Especially if you're a descendent of Dr. Guillotin. But there are worse people to be related to; Josef Stalin, Chairman Mao, Adolph Hitler, Sylvester Stallone ... the list goes on and on. But I guess it would be rather difficult to maintain a normal life when one's last name is synonymous with grisly death. One has to wonder, however, what these methods of execution were that Dr. Joseph was so passionately against. And more importantly, how would the current crime rates be effected if these methods still existed? I'm inclined to think it would be dramatically reduced, and after reading about some of these arcane death sentences, perhaps you'll agree.

Beheading: Centuries before the guillotin was invented (before the birth of Christ, in fact), beheading with an ax or sword was the popular execution method in Greece and Rome. In the 11th century, beheading found its way to England and replaced hanging as the favored way to do away with the elite. The poor, however, still received the noose.

Boiling to Death: Sitting in a huge vat of water over an open flame while my flesh slid off like a tomato skin ain't exactly the way I want to meet my maker. But plenty of age-old evildoers suffered this unspeakably horrible fate.

Broiling to Death: As the name implies, the victim is tied to a giant, red-hot griddle. One notable broilee, St. Lawrence, was subjected to this fate because, when commanded by the Roman Emperor to bring the church's treasure to Rome, he brought with him the poor, the sick and the retarded, telling the Emperor these people were the church's treasure. The Emperor was not amused. St. Lawrence endured the griddle with amazing stoicism. Legend has it he requested to be turned over, saying he was done on one side.

Burning to Death: Used for centuries throughout Europe and America, burning involved some rope, a stake, kindling and an accused person or persons. Oh yeah ... and a flame. (A Bic would've come in handy during the Salem witch trials.) Joan of Arc was one of the many martyrs condemned to this agonizing fate.

Crucifixion: In their quest for homicidal excellence, those clever Romans came up with not one, not two, but four ways to kill someone by crucifixion. All methods were variations on the shape of the cross: T, X, Y and H (for the H, the criminal was hung by one arm and one leg. Ouch.). Rope or nails were used to secure the body. Jesus, of course, was nailed to a cross, and is commonly depicted in paintings and on rosaries in the T position. The Chinese, always able to improve upon a good thing, also fired arrows into the body until the person died.

Drawing and Quartering: My personal favorite, unfortunate suckers who drew the drawing and quartering straw had each limb tied to four different horses (Russian version), which were whipped and forced to run in opposite directions. The desired effect was to tear all limbs from the body, but since this didn't necessarily ensure death, decapitation often followed. The incredibly vicious English version of drawing and quartering involved the criminal being dragged to his execution site by a horse. Once there, he was hanged ("drawing"), but while still conscious, he was disemboweled ("quartering") and forced to watch his own intestines burn. The condemned was then decapitated and cut into pieces.

The Firing Squad: Still used today in Utah and Idaho, the contemporary Firing Squad usually consists of five excellent marksmen. Each hold four live and one blank round in their guns (so the executioner isn't sure he really killed the criminal ... gee, nice to have a semi-clean conscience). The unlucky soul is blindfolded and tied to a chair with a target over his heart. Death by firing squad today is usually immediate, but back in the day, many a criminal suffered copious amounts of wounds before one of the hack farmers-with-guns found the mark.

Hanging: Rope, tree, too-often African-American ... 'nuff said.

Impalement: S&M; lovers, try this one the next time you're looking for a thrill: The condemned were sat on a thick, sharp, long stake, which was inserted into the rectum. The poor bastard was then forced to push himself down (sometimes with help) until the stake punctured his intestines and ultimately caused death. Oh. My. God!

Pressing to Death: Common during the Middle Ages, pressing victims were tied to four stakes in a spread-eagle position, with a huge board place on top of their body. Weights were then consistently added until the condemned was crushed to death. This method sometimes took several days to complete.

Stoning to Death: Still practiced in some cultures, stoning is an interactive death method, which I'm sure must fill the execution groupies with joy. Very simply, the accused is led into the center of a circle formed by the executioners and, quite often, one helluva crowd. Those not on the receiving end of the stones gleefully join in as the victim in pummeled from all directions with rocks of all shapes and sizes. This is an extremely slow and painful way to kick off, especially since those inflicting the pain avoid the head. The better to keep the condemned conscious as long as possible.

There you have it, some of the more gruesome and inventive ways our forefathers' forefathers dispensed justice and probably spent many a Saturday night. Nothing like a good public execution to bring the whole family together. If I had my choice, however, I think I'd prefer a nice, long walk off a nice, short cliff.
I wonder what Dr. Joseph would have prescribed for that?

Kling ( kling@toosquare.com )