Just about everyone has had, or at some point in life will have, a run-in with a state trooper. And after said run-in, most of you have probably thought something along the lines of, "Fuck! What a moronic dickhead!!" If that is indeed similar to your own experience, you'll be gratified to learn that it's not just your perception. Most state troopers are, in fact, morons. If a typical state trooper job application is any indication, anyway. Now, troopers are hardly Rhodes scholars, so it goes without saying the applications are probably dumbed down a bit. But some questions are downright stupid. Nat all application questions are the same in every state, but these ones seem to pop up rather frequently:

1. While driving an automobile, can you move your head from side to side without moving your body?

2. Can you enter a window from the top of a ladder?

3. Can you crawl through a three-foot by three-foot opening? (No? Sorry fatty!)

4. Can you change a car tire?

5. Are you missing any fingers or toes?

6. Are you missing any arms or legs?

7. If required, could you poke someone with a nightstick?

8. Have you ever been fired from a job?

9. Do you have an uncontrollable need for sleep?

10. Do you have any speech defects?

11. Are you afraid of the dark?

12. Are you an alcoholic?

13. Have you ever had sex with an animal?

14. Are you afraid of firearms?

15. Could you resist a bribe?

16. Would you be able to resist free meals?

How did you do? Find yourself struggling with the questions? Don't worry if you did: I see a bright future waiting right around the corner for you in the fast food industry.

Kling ( kling@toosquare.com )

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