Hello webworld. How's it going? See any good movies lately? I have, in fact you know...oh, how rude of me, let me introduce myself. My name's ....well, lets just say you can call me the Celluloid Junkie because I have a slightly obsessive interest in all matters cinematic. This is due to the fact that I'm the laziest person on the planet while also being generally anti social and slightly agoraphobic. Acutally, I'm not really that antisocial but I sure as hell feel better when I'm not in a crowd (Particularly crowds of well dressed, attractive yuppies or whatever the hell those kind of people are called today-you know the type, they're the ones who've taken over every "ale house","brew pub", or theme bar from here to Guam). I guess I may have dated myself with the yuppie reference, actually I'm 30 (going on 13). No, I'm not exactly functionally retared or anything, but I do REALLY enjoy bathroom humor (I can kill 5 or 6 hours playing with a whoopee cushion) AND I secretly enjoy professional wrestling. Apparently some people consider these two traits to reflect poorly upon my level of social maturation but I say so what? I was born in NYC and have lived at some point pretty much all over the country with the exception of the Northwest which I feel may as yet be my undiscovered Shangri La. I've spent the last 10 years living in Tampa, Fla. toiling as a wage slave in various jobs too insignificant to name while perfecting my most skillfull trait-procrastination, I went to college for two years as a philosophy major but found the further I delved into theories the more gratuitous the whole process seemed to become so I left rather foolishly. Let's see, what else can I say about myself to provide relevant insight by way of introductions? I have a few other, less significant hobbies that include: reading (modern classics, crime fiction, or interesting biographies or historical novels), playing the ax, brazillian shoot wrestling, puerto rican cockfighting, pot, and extensive searches through the murky depths of internet porn for the penultimate example of human desperation in these "the end times" ....for laughs and self affirmation. One thing I do enjoy almost as much as watching movies is sharing my exciting discoveries with friends so their next trip to the video store can be a rewarding, life enriching experience. If you're like me, there's nothing worse than renting a shitty movie that seemed interesting based on your too-brief perusal of the box.( I do have one big tip in that regard and that is to disregard any cover art and/or reviews listed on the box credited to any unfamiliar sources beacause it's almost a guaranteed stinker!)
In this and upcoming issues of my friend's eclectic zine I'll give you my "picks and pans" from the world of lesser known cinema. Today's menu......Chinese, Being a huge Hong Kongophile, my offerings today are from the world of Asian cult cinema. Just an FYI, some of my reviews here are revamped versions of original reviews I posted on other movie related websites.(IMDB is the greatest database ever created!)

Todays theme-Asian cult cinema

The Untold Story

Here's a Hong Kong movie that has absolutely nothing to do with martial arts. Really. The horror genre is not nearly as popular as the crime and martial arts film in the east but it does have a certain niche. Chinese horror films are usually lousy (makeup effects are usually hilariously bad- see "Mr Vampire") but this film is nothing like it's peers. "The Untold Story" is straight up western style blood gushing murder and mayhem! The story concerns a restauranteur who decides to try using human flesh in his steamed buns recipe and it turns out to be the greatest idea he ever had! Before long he's turning 'em away at the doors. Anthony Wong as the psychopathic chef displays some good acting chops in this story based on real events that took place in Macau back in the early eighties. One scene in particular showing the murder and rape of a young woman is the most disturbing I've seen since R. Kern's "Fingered". My only complaint with this Chinese classic would be the bonding scenes between the horny members of a detective squad chasing down the killer. Here, the screenwriter seems to be attempting to soften the story with silly comic relief and it looks like a totally different film during these periods. Aside from this the movie works well and it's worth a look. A word of caution, Chinese films aren't usually known for being subtle and with this subject matter it makes for some taboo-breaking on screen violence. Enoy it with the whole family!

Bullet In The Head 1

Just about everyone has heard of John Woo these days. His first films were old school kung fu epics with the likes of Jackie Chan in the early seventies. He graduated to crime stories and this is where he achieved his fame in Hong Kong before moving on to make slick American action epics. While he may be the undisputed master of the slow motion shoot out and is credited with some really stylish gangster/cop epics not all of his films hit the mark. I've heard this film referred to as the Chinese "The Deer Hunter". Excuse me? Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery but that comparison is an insult to the former. Sure, this film does tell the story of three naive young friends whose lives and friendships are forever damaged by the Viet Nam war. Sure, this film has the obligatory "prison camp in the jungle with bamboo cages" scene. And yes, one of the friends does succumb to madness after his horrible journey into hell and back. I don't remember however, any gangster scenes in De Palma's film nor do I remember any cheesy 50's style "Happy Days" music gracing the soundtrack.. I had great anticipation before finally seeing this film on video and I was thoroughly disappointed by the end. Woo may have displayed great ambition with the story and budget but the end product fails miserably. Woo seemed to honestly be trying to make more than an action film here but he picked the wrong era to tell the story about. The lack of period research is quite obvious. John just got a little carried away with this one. The shootouts aren't enough to make this one worth watching. Stick with Woo's crime flicks.

The Heroic Trio

This film is superhero comics fare, nothing more. In said genre, character depth and acting weighs lightly.(As long as the principals are beautiful) With that in mind I have to say that HEROIC TRIO ROCKS! The first thing that stands out in the movie is the overall look of it. The production value is excellent and the atmospheric cinematography is done as deftly as any Tony Scott film. The action choreography with heavy usage of Hong Kong style wire effects is the finest I've ever seen and the fights(especially the one in hell against a demon who kidnaps children and turns them into cannibals-remember it's a live action comic book!)are frenetic kung fu masterpieces. I realize that this type of film may not appeal to all(I enjoy subtlety as much as the next guy)but I would ask you to give this one a chance because it really is much more interesting than the average Hollywood action pic.