I dont think anyone would argue with the notion that parents can sometimes be cruel. Just ask any guy named Leslie or Lonnie. As for girls, any female with a name like Rose or Violet can probably tell you at least a dozen de-flowering jokes. Then there are names like Fawn, Agnes and Eunice, guaranteed to win any chick vast amounts of pity, ridicule and loneliness, respectively.

Still, there are worse labels in life. Consider the following list of real monikers (including some first names only) that at some point must have led the moronic parents who chose them to ask, What, for the love of God, were we thinking?!

1. Charles Smellybelly
2. Foreward March
3. Pictorial Review
4. Strange Odor Andrews
5. Ophelia Rotincrotch
6. Toilet Preparations
7. Bernard Nicewanger
8. Nancy Nipples
9. Emancipation Proclamation Freedom
10. Truly White
11. Weatherstrip
12. Ima Goose
13. Lettuce Fields
14. Rimmer
15. Spicy Fudge
16. Muffin Fry
17. Piece O. Cake
18. Judge Judge
19. Evil
20. Free Love
21. Try-em-and-see
22. Beautiful Swindler
23. Filthy McNasty
24. Castor Oil
25. Twila Anus
26. Fred Dilldoe
27. Unexpected
28. Looney Head
29. Gladys Pantzeroff
30. A. Pimple
31. Petty Larceny
32. Rudolph Goldshitter
33. Wheat Bread
34. Hershey Bar
35. Flunky
36. Fatty
37. Fertilizer
38. Lucky Blunder
39. Person
40. Willibald Thumbfart
41. Hallowed
42. Hasty
43. Himself
44. No Parking
45. Hymen Pleasure
46. Hang Nails
47. Digesta
48. Doloris Puke
49. Douche
50. And, from someone obviously in love with the entire
alphabet, the worlds longest name: Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John
Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Zeus
Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorft, Sr.

Kelli K is a copy editor for Weekly Planet, a Tampa alternative newsweekly.

Kling

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