By Kelli K

Fuck, do I love the Weekly World News! Just looking at the busy covers with all their exclamation points makes me wish I were half-mermaid or sporting one perfect unicorn horn out of the middle of my forehead. Not that I'm a publicity hound, mind you, but the mere thought of appearing on a national magazine next to pictures of a smiling Hillary Clinton and her alien lover makes me quiver with delight! While some people might stick up their noses or throw me the occasional pitying glance as I hold up the check-out line, completely absorbed in the latest exploits of Bat Boy, I know the truth: They all have the latest issue of WWN tucked away under the piles of Maxim and Good Housekeeping cluttering their bathroom shelves. Why? Because deep down, buried somewhere between their secret love for Velveeta and their undeclared devotion to Kmart threads, everyone knows WWN is mindless, self-indulgent entertainment at its very best. Well, at least next to sticking a sock on your cat's head. Therefore, my easily amused readers, allow me to present - in no particular order - some of my favorite WWN headlines from a few recent issues.

1. "Shake it Up, Baby! Jello pants look good - & you can eat 'em, too."
2. Cops Arrest Parrot for Talking Dirty!"
3. "Look what P'Lod gave Hillary for Valentine's Day? (Space alien's present is 'awesome,' says former First Lady.)"
4. "Wife Dumps Hubby for Naming Baby 'Osama'."
5. "Is Your Pet a Pot Head?"
6. "Pygmies Discovered America a Year before Columbus"
7. "Family Thrown in Prison - For Being Too Ugly!"
8. "This Man Thinks He's Gilligan - After Coconut Conks Him on Head!"
9. "Scientists Tried it in 1991, and … Here We Go Again! New Plan to Blow Up the Moon"
10. "Fountain of Smart! Arkansas Moonshine makes Boneheads Brilliant!"
11. "Hero Stripper … Talked Terrorist out of Joining 9-11 Suicide Attacks!"
12. "Alabama 'Goat Man' Lashes out after Local Yokels try to Kill Him! ('I'm just a regular guy')"
13. "Saddam's Gay Lover tells All! ('Iraqi dictator ISN'T the man he pretends to be')"
14. "Animal Rights Nuts Vow to Stop Bigfoot-Yeti Death Match - But Promoter says the Show WILL Go On"
15. "Finders, Keepers! Doc Drops Rolex into Gal During Surgery … & She won't Give it Back!"
16. "Bat Boy Behind Bars! (South American banditos hit him with a tranquilizer dart to collect $50 million Al-Queda reward)"
17. "Zombies Make Great Dinner Guests … Top Voodoo Experts Say (ghouls are really shy, gentle vegetarians - and they don't bite)"
18. "New York City 'Wolfman' Rips Woman's Face Off! (…and feasts on her flesh, say cops)"
19. "World's Bravest Rats go Down with Sinking Ship! (Vermin jeer & gesture as cowardly crew leaps into lifeboats!)"
20. "Damn it! Cursing is Good for You (We need to start sweating right #$@% now, says author!)"
21. "How to Tell if Your Pet is Gay"
22. "Britney Stole My Body! … claims crazes drag queen (shocking photos of 'real' pop star inside)"
23. "Demon Pigs go Hog-Wild in Holy Land (Armed soldiers no match for Satan's swine!)"
24. "Flesh-Eating Sheep on Rampage of Death (They've killed three people and scores of farm animals! They're BAAAD!)"
25. "Travel Agent Sells Trips to Heaven and Hell!"
26. "Salt Lake Shocker! 3-Legged Skater Banned! ('If they let her on the ice, we're toast,' say superstars)"
27. "Nessie's Pregnant - & Champ's the Daddy (American monster left her high & dry, charge angry Scots!)"
28. 'BIN-LARD-EN: Osama balloons to 280 pounds - to disguise himself!"
29. "Homeless N.J. Bum is the Real King of England (He'll be crowned by spring, says expert!)"
30. "Christ's Magic Loaves & Fishes Still Feeding Folks Today (There's always plenty to eat at popular Jerusalem buffet!)"