Anton LaVey's Church of Satan is recognized by the U.S. Government as an official church, entitled to the same protection, rights and privileges afforded to any other structured religion. This church, of course, worships Satan.

That this complete and total loon of a man was able to amass so many followers is in itself an amazing feat. LaVey (born Howard Stanton Levey, on April 11, 1930, in Cook County, Ill.) was a perpetual liar, who told tall tales about everything, including his name, his parents' names, his "Transylvanian Gypsy grandmother (who was neither Transylvanian nor Gypsy, but Ukrainian), his past jobs, the origin of the "German" rituals outlined in The Satanic Rituals book (LaVey never visited Germany during his life time), and even an alleged affair with a very young Marilyn Monroe. One can only assume his followers, both past and present, are either terminally stupid and naive or wholly illiterate. The truth about LaVey is readily available, almost all corroborated by his parents and surviving family members, but apparently his disciples can't be bothered by the search for truth. Further proof, some would say, that his organization is filled with nothing more than rebelling kids and adult outcasts.

Anton Lavey

At any rate, the church holds black masses, which are rituals involving the body of a naked virgin as an altar, and the practice of inserting Satan's name into prayers where God or Christ is normally mentioned. Very original. "Sacred" items, such as the Host and wine, are often defiled. And, like another, more major religion we know of, LaVey's church also had a set of commandments. Totaling nine in all, these "Satanic Statements" are the foundation on which LaVey's followers base their lives. We could go on about the absurdity of the statements, but they pretty much speak for themselves:

1. Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence.

2. Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams.

3. Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit.

4. Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates.

5. Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek.

6. Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires.

7. Satan represents man as just another animal -- sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all fours -- who, because of his "divine spiritual and intellectual development" has become the most vicious animal of all.

8. Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental or emotional gratification.

9. Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as he has kept it in business all these years.

Kling ( kling@toosquare.com )